Touched By His Noodly Appendage!!

This morning I looked up, and behold, the heavens aboveth me parted, and he who is noodly and meat-bally without much sauce, cameth forth and spake unto me, “Behold pasta-eating sinner, praiseth about my Noodliness in thou unholy simply ridiculous blog and thou shalt be forgiven and thou shalt rejoice in pasta-spaghetti heaven for all eternity.”

So, I set upon the divine task of unearthing the secrets of the Flying Spaghetti Monster…

In the beginning the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was hovering over the waters. And The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let there be light," and there was light. Then The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." So, The Flying Spaghetti Monster created man in his own image, in the image of The Flying Spaghetti Monster he created him; angel-hair and macaroni he created them. The Flying Spaghetti Monster blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and satiate it. Satiate the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and every living creature that moves on the ground." Then The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "I give you every spice on the face of the whole earth and every grocery store that has Spaghetti Sauce with oregano and garlic in it . They will be yours for food. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give you for food to them." And so it was. The Flying Spaghetti Monster saw all that he had made, and it was very good.

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), today's fastest growing carbohydrate and protein-based religion. Incredibly, this ancient religion was not well-known until its rediscovery in 2005 by graduate student Bobby Henderson in his open letter to the Kansas School Board. According to Bobby Henderson, the universe and all life within it were created by a mystical and divine being: His Noodliness, The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

He is also responsible for Intelligent Falling, by pushing objects back to the ground with the glorious multiplicity of his noodles. There could be many reasons why He would do this. It could be that He doesn’t want us floating off earth into space, or maybe just that He enjoys touching us – we may never know.

All evidence for evolution was planted by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The FSM tests Pastafarians’ faith by making things look older than they are. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage!!

What’s so special about the FSM??

According to the Pastafarian belief system, pirates are "absolute divine beings" and the original Pastafarians. Their image as "thieves and outcasts" is misinformation spread by Christians in the Middle Ages. Pastafarianism says that they were in fact "peace-loving explorers and spreaders of good will" who distributed candy to small children. They believe that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of pirates since the 1800s. And this is probably the reason why ‘Talk Like A Pirate Day’, September 19th is the most blessed of all days, equivalent to Christians' "Christmas". This is the day where the Flying Spaghetti Monster blesses all Pastafarians because they talk like pirates.

One of the major perks of being a Pastafarian is that they go to a heaven that is way cooler than ours!! It has a Stripper factory and a Beer Volcano!!

Unlike the Christian God, the Flying Spaghetti Monster was honest with His subjects and admitted to taking 3 days of rest after popping out the universe in just 4 days. As such, His Noodliness deemed that Friday, Saturday AND Sunday be days of rest, with special emphasis on Friday, in which one should drink much wine and engage in delights of the flesh.

Let us all be aware of the fact that the “The Great Permissive Dude in the Sky Who Lets Us Do Whatever We Want” or the “Invisible Old Man In The Sky With A Large White Beard” or “The Great Sky Daddy” are all in fact different names for the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Let us all pray to the holy FSM…

Our pasta, who art in a colander,
Draining be your noodles.
Thy noodle come,
Thy sauce be yum,
On top some grated parmesan.
Give us this day our garlic bread,
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trample on our lawns.
And lead us not into vegetarianism, but deliver us some pizza,
For thine is the meatball, the noodle, and the sauce, forever and ever.
-Ramen.

(The official ending for prayers to the FSM is “Ramen,” not “Amen.”)

Mmmm!! I am already hungry! I am off to have some spaghetti!!

Touched By His Noodly Appendage!!

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Holes In The Poles

Hello... llo... llo... o... o... o. Whoa, there's an echo in here!!

Stupid old scientists thought that the earth was a solid sphere! Fools! How can something that has been going round and round for billions of years be solid?? Haven’t you ever seen a washing machine where all the clothes get thrown towards the periphery leaving an empty ‘hollow’ in between!! In the same way, there is large hollow at the center of the earth since everything was thrown outwards by billions of years of spinning.

So, great scientist John Cleves Symmes, Jr. stepped in. He actually ‘proved’ that the earth is hollow, with the crust of the earth being 800 miles thick. There exists two openings at the North and South Pole, each hole having a circumference of 1400 miles wide. The diameter of the lip at the opening at the poles is 1200 miles long, thus a person can not see the other side of the opening. At the center of the earth is not a molten core but an inner sun which is six hundred miles wide and is 2900 miles from the Inner Surfaces. Also, the sun at the center of the hollow is half dark and half bright. So the portion of the hollow facing the dark side has night and the portion facing the bright side has daytime.

Here’s a satellite photo showing the hole in the pole…

 

The Hollow Earth theory was also proven by Antarctic explorer Roald Amundsen, when his expedition fell into a hole at the South Pole, sending them all through to the inner surface of the Earth. There, he discovered a strange, eerie world in which lived people much like us, but with constantly popping ears!!

His first words on discovering the new inner world were, “Ewwww!! It smells like fart!!”

Sure it’s going to smell like fart. How else would you expect it to smell with all those people farting in a closed hollow chamber!!

As a hollow body, the earth is in need of a natural system of ventilation, and as you can see here, the southern opening functions very nicely, spewing up all that fart into the atmosphere, where it somehow ignites and gives rise to the ‘Aurora Borealis’.

But, who the hell lives in this ‘hollow’ inside the earth??

Hitler and his Nazis, ofcourse!!

Hitler escaped World War II in submarines into the hole in the Arctic. Over the years, they perfected their rocket technology into UFOs and used Adolph Hitler's DNA to clone a master race. So the UFOs that keep appearing on Earth come from Hollow Earth and conduct unethical experiments on Humans are some form of Nazi Science Experiment!!

The polar openings and the inner world have been one of the best kept secrets in the world. Key in coordinates 90 0.0 N 0 0.0 W  in Google Earth and it will take you to the satellite images of the “north pole”.  You can clearly see where they’ve “stretched” the satellite photos from the area around the pole to disguise the opening.

Who do they think they are fooling?!

The important thing is that the earth is hollow. And you gotta love that hollow!!

Holes In The Poles

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Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 4. Geocentricity

Geocentricity is the time-tested theory, formulated by renowned scientists like Aristotle, Ptolemy and, ofcourse, The Holy Bible, that all objects in the Universe revolve around a central point at the Earth's core. The diagram below explains the order of all celestial bodies. Earth, the largest object in the universe is perfectly stationary, while the Moon, Mercury, Venus, Sun and Mars each rotate on their own respective axes as they revolve around the earth.

The scientific notion that the Earth is motionless, and that the sun orbits around the Earth, stood unchallenged since prehistoric times. Until a Polish douchebag, named Nicolaus Copernicus, got so stoned that everything started to go round and round.

“Whoaaaaaa!! The earth is spinnin’ and spinnin’ and….”, exulted a completely stoned Copernicus.

But the only thing that is true is Geocentricity.. Why??

Because, ofcourse, the Bible says so (and, ofcourse, Bible is the oldest physics textbook of the world)…

God created the stationary world on the 1st day and it was not until the 4th day that the sun and moon were created…

"He stretcheth out the north over the empty place, and hangeth the earth upon nothing" (Job 26:7).

"The Lord (Jesus) reigneth, he is clothed with majesty; the Lord is clothed with strength, wherewith he hath girded himself: the world also is stablished (stabilized), that it cannot be moved" (Psalm 93:1).

"Fear before him, all the earth: the world also shall be stable, that it be not moved" (I Chronicles16:30)

“The sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down, and hasteth to his place where he arose.” (Ecclesiastes 1:5)

Modern scientists, however, prefer the absurd Copernican theory that the Earth rotates around the Sun (Heliocentricity). Though this theory is funny to think about, it has a lot of obvious flaws….

1) The planet Earth is supposed to be a large, spherical shaped ball of rock flying through space at hundreds of thousands of miles per hour. But how could the Earth continue to move at the same speed for as long a time as the "round Earthers" say that it has existed for; namely, several billion years. If outer space were a vacuum, then there would be no problem. But space is not a vacuum, it is instead filled with ether (according to Biblical physics!!). The earth would have to have been pushing its way through the ether for all those billions of years. Shouldn't it have slowed somewhere along the line??

2) The earth is orbiting the sun at a radius of around five-hundred million kilometers. Were this the case, the Earth would be an accelerated object in circular motion around its sun. And the Earth accelerating in circular motion would behave no differently than would a car taking a corner: loose objects (humans and animals would act like loose change or a cup of coffee on the dashboard) would slide around, or be thrown off completely. There would be an apparent centrifugal force on everything. During the day, when things would be facing the sun and therefore on the inside of the "orbit", buildings would be crushed and humans beings squashed like grasshoppers in a centrifuge. And at night, when everything would be at the outside, trees and buildings would be ripped from the ground and flung into outer space, and humans wouldn't stand a chance.

3) The equatorial speed of the Earth is about 465 m/s; which is faster than the speed of sound (340 m/s). So someone standing east of you would never be able to hear you!!

4) A merry-go-round moves at about 10 mph and you get dizzy; the Earth supposedly moves at more than 1000 mph and you don't even notice this??

5) If the Earth were spinning, all the continents would move toward the equator.

6) The Earth doesn't have centrifugal force. Gravity is the same all over the Earth because the Earth doesn’t move. If it did go around the sun, the centrifugal force would make objects weigh TWICE less on Equator than in E.g. Vancouver, Canada.

7) On time-delayed pictures of stars, the Polaris star almost doesn’t move. The only way it can work is if both the Earth and Polaris don’t move. The Earth is therefore the centre of the universe and Polaris is its end. And everything except the Polaris goes around the earth.

8) What about satellites? Satellites go around the Earth because the space around revolves, thus pulling the satellites along with it. You can even put coca cola can and make it a satellite!!

9) Earth is spinning around thousands of miles a second, so when we jump, even if it is for a half a second, shouldn't we land miles away? (though we would probably crash into a building or something.)

Confused??

Me too!! These days you just don’t know what to believe and what not to..

We live in really confusing times. Things used to make perfect sense in the good old days when the earth was flat, the sun revolved around the earth and God spoke from the top of a mountain and death alone was certain. Then in the last couple of thousand years, we changed our tack. Suddenly, we were all sinful, flawed and fallen beings. A single male sacrifice on a cross solved that problem for a while, but then came Galileo, Copernicus, Newton and ... Darwin!!

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 4. Geocentricity

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Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 3. Flat Earth

If you think that Ferdinand Magellan proved that the world is a sphere, then you are just misguided.. The truth is…

Ferdinand Magellan was a Portuguese Comedian who loved to get stoned. One day, he traveled west from Spain , and found elephants (African). Then he travelled east and found elephants (Asian). Since he was stoned like hell, he did not realize that these elephants are of different kinds and he thought that he was traveling to the same lands by going in opposite directions. This gave birth to the misconception that the earth is round!!

But then how do we know that the earth flat??

That’s because the Bible says so. So it must be true.. The reference to the "four corners of the earth," and the parable of Jesus being shown "all the kingdoms of the earth" from the top of a mountain are clearly impossible for a sphere, but reasonable for a flat surface. The Bible is actually the first physics textbook written by certain individuals that were (supposedly) selected by an Imaginary Bearded Sky Daddy to convey the (supposedly) word of God as literal and absolute fact.

For a case in point, here is an account of a hallucination that was suffered by the "person" that wrote the Book of Daniel. In this hallucination, it is clearly revealed that the earth is flat. Keep in mind, please, that every single word in the Bible is absolutely and literally true:

"The visions of my head as I lay in bed were these: I saw, and behold, a tree in the midst of the earth; and its height was great. The tree grew and became strong, and its top reached to heaven, and it was visible to the end of the whole earth." (Daniel 4:10-11)

If in fact the Earth was round, as is claimed by the Scientific Servants of Satan, then it would not be possible for any tree to be simultaneously visible from anywhere on this planet. Only a flat Earth would allow this!!

Is there a map of the flat earth?? Yup, here’s how the map looks like..

The white outline surrounding the earth is actually a vast ice wall, approximately 150 feet high, which keep the water from running off the edge of the flat earth!!

This is not some silly joke.. There is even an organization dedicated to supporting this theory..

The Flat Earth Society is a group of the world's most brilliant scientific minds who know for truth that the Earth is a flat and that the sun and the moon are the same size going in a circle above the Earth.

And how does this society justify this flat earth theory?? Here’s how..

A ship on the horizon disappears hull first and mast last. Doesn’t this prove that the earth is spherical?? Not quite.. This happens because the Earth's gravity is bending the light rays from the hull into the ocean before they reach our eyes!!

When you look at pictures of the round Earth taken from space, you must remember that gravity bends light so straight objects appear curved and curved objects appear straight!!

And what about airliners going around the earth? What about earth satellites? Truth is that they are merely traveling in loop orbits.

How come the travel time by air from South America to New Zealand, via the polar route, is SHORTER than the travel time going North first and then South again?

The airline pilots are guided by their GPS. Remember that satellites don't exist. The replacement data given from pseudolites deliberately distort all the paths to make it seem that the flights take different times. The curvature of these paths can add or subtract great distances without the overall turning being obvious to someone traveling it.

Now, before you ask some stupid question like "what about the evidence the proves the earth to be round?", all this "evidence" has been faked by NASA because they want more money for their exploits into space. Which actually is just more money to buy big and expensive ingredients to make food!! The Flat Earthers have named this NASA conspiracy the The Conclusive Categorical Conspiracy Compendium!!

Even the selfish proponents of Global warming want the earth to be globular because if you ain't got no globe, you ain't got global warming!! Some idiots have even gone to the extent of stating that the Earth was a flat disc at some point in the past. However, due to Global warming, the surface of the planet expanded and became convex to the point that it became a sphere!!

People believe that God has the whole world in his hands. But if the world were round, it would roll out of God's hand and into damnation!! So the earth is obviously flat!!

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 3. Flat Earth

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Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 2. Intelligent Falling

One fine day, while sitting in an apple orchard, Sir Isaac Newton decided to get stoned. To his dismay, he had run out of bongs. Being a great scientist, he thought of a solution.. An Apple Bong!!

And this is how Newton discovered Apple Bongs!!

But wait.. Where does Gravity figure in this incident??

While Newton was working on his contraption, a villager, who owned the orchard, caught him and accused him of stealing apples. Being a smartass, Newton succeeded in confusing the villager with some nonsense about a mystical force called ‘gravity’ pulling the apples towards hell.

And this is how the theory of Gravity was discovered!!

Gravity is just a stupid theory discovered by someone who was high. Even children can see how ridiculous it is to imagine that people in Australia are upside down with respect to us, as gravity theory would have it!!

The only reason Gravity is being taught in schools is because the Communists wanted so.. The mere name “Universal Theory of Gravity” or “Theory of Universal Gravity” has a distinctly socialist ring to it. The core idea of “to each according to his weight, from each according to his mass” is communist. There is no reason that gravity should apply to the just and the unjust, the rich and the poor, humans and animals equally. It’s just  Communist crap!!

The theory of gravity violates common sense in many ways. Adherents have a hard time explaining, for instance, why airplanes do not fall. Since anti-gravity is rejected by the scientific establishment, they resort to lots of hand-waving. The theory, if taken seriously, implies that the default position for all airplanes is on the ground. While this is obviously true for Concorde airplanes, it appears that the Boeing and Airbus airplanes have a superior theory that effectively harnesses forces that overcome so-called gravity.

The theory of gravity violates the third law of motion too. The third law of motion states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. So if gravity were true, then for every apple that fell, one should fly. For every plane that flew, one should have fallen…

But then there has to be some reason, some force that causes things to fall..

The answer is an intelligent force. This dependence on the intelligent force to keep people from flying into space and to travel towards the ground when leaving a higher plain is referred to as ‘Intelligent Falling’.

Intelligent Falling is an argument against the naturalistic theory of unguided falling or Gravity. IF argues that life and other aspects of the physical universe are too complex to be able to fall through natural processes alone. Thus, various features of the universe, and of living things, are best explained by a puller and not by undirected process.

Intelligent Falling has its roots in Christian science, the well-respected alternative theory of everything, which holds that God does everything everywhere at all times, except help us reproduce or have fun, which are of course Satan's responsibilities.

Fall theory, however, leaves the identity of the Intelligent Puller open. Some say that it could only be God. While others argue that if God were pushing and pulling everything in the universe, He wouldn’t have time for anything else. So, God has an army of Angels to take care of the Intelligent Falling process. (Angels are very tiny, and undetectable with any instrument we might devise. Space is filled with them. There's a quantum sea of angels everywhere in the universe, in every nook and cranny. )

Now it would be simple to explain why does a body fall..

Angels pass it from one to another like a fireman's bucket brigade. They do this in strict accordance to the "Angelic Operations Manual", written by the hand of God, in which angelic procedures are carried out precisely so that everything that happens in the universe "goes by the book". Therefore everything conforms to the equations found in physics books—equations that scientists imagined they discovered. Once in a while a directive comes down from on high that certain procedures are to be suspended or modified when a miracle is required, but mostly things run like clockwork.

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 2. Intelligent Falling

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