Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 1. Creationism

                                                            In the beginning, there was no life, and then;

                                                                          POOF!

                                                                     There it was.

Oops.. There was not a single poof. In fact, there were seven poofs spread over a period of seven days that created everything.

Creationism states that in 4004 B.C., God poofed everything into existence in a week using the highly sophisticated software Create-Your-Own-Planet 4.0 (The earlier Beta version 3.0 had just resulted in a Big Bang!!).

After creating man, he then decided Adam needed a companion, not out of any need to reproduce or anything, but rather because he was lonely. So, he created a woman using Adam's rib, calling her Eve. (If God didn’t have reproduction in his mind, then why the hell did he create a woman??? Why couldn’t he create a drinking partner for Adam and call him something like Mike??? Didn’t he know that women are the cause of all disaster???)

Sure enough, Eve got them kicked out of Eden. She listened to a snake she thought was talking, and took a bite out of an apple that God had forbidden them to touch. She, later, tried to defend herself by claiming to be high (the actual quote was "well you didn't say we couldn't smoke up, did you?"). Alas, the moment she offered the apple to Adam it was all over. When God, like an angry dad coming home from work, realized that they had disobeyed one of his direct orders, He had them court-marshaled and finally discharged from Eden down to Earth where they and their children would forever have to be punished for the sins that the first two people committed.

But where do the dinosaurs figure in the scheme of creation??? Ok let me get this clear too…

After poofing everything in seven days, God rested on the eight day. Actually he rested for a lot of days, because he was too tired from creating the universe. Then on the fifteenth or sixteenth day, God decided to test all the weed that he had created. Satisfied with the weed, He went to sleep again. Then He woke up on the 309th day and decide to create all the monsters that had appeared in his nightmares. And this is how God made Dinosaurs. (A bit far-fetched, I know! But this is what creationists want us to believe!!)

But then where did all the Dinosaurs go???? The creationists have an answer for this too..

After recovering from the high, God realized his mistake. He went down and killed them all off. Then He took all the bones of dead dinosaurs and placed them inside stones. And this is how God made Fossils..

But then doesn’t the radiometric dating technology prove that the earth is a billion years old???

Well, the oldest tree on earth is only a few thousand years old. This hands down proves creationism, because there should be older trees if Evolution is true about the age of the Earth being billions of years old. As for those fossils which are supposedly millions of years old, the Evolutionists are wrong. Therefore it is a fact that 99% of scientists are wrong - Their radiometric dating methods are wrong and vastly inaccurate. Fact is that Man and Dinosaurs walked together before!

Look around at the trees and other wonderful-looking organisms. How could living things of such great complexity come from? Even modern technology cannot recreate such wonderful diversity of life! The false theory Evolution states that everything evolved by random mutation over many millions of years, which is way too long for a six thousand and ten year-old universe and is obviously not true. Therefore, God exists and God made it all. Bible says it, you believe it, and that's that. No, an all-powerful God could not have made the world using evolution, it'd be so boring, he'd get tired of waiting! So, evolution and natural selection are all just crap..

Poor Mr. Charles Darwin did sound pretty convincing. But, wait a minute. Don’t you notice the similarity between him and the Lord himself.. This is because God came to earth in the form of Charles Darwin to put forward these silly crap theories, just to play with the minds of the poor humans..

Did you really believe that we have descended from monkeys!! Monkeys are literally dirty stinking apes that throw feces at each other and have totally immoral sexual relations with their neighbor's wives that are an affront to traditional Christian values. The religion of evolution says that we have a common ancestor with these horrible smelly apes. That clearly isn't true - because we find the idea absolutely disgusting. If we find the idea disgusting, we cannot have come from monkeys, therefore evolution is wrong, therefore God created Homo Sapiens out of clay and fairy dust!!

Pretty convincing argument!! Ain’t it??

May all the Evolutionists burn in Hell for eternity…

 

Intelligent Design For Dummies – Part 1. Creationism