2012 End Of The World And All The Other Crap

It’s the year 1000 AD. A Mayan worker is meticulously chipping on the rock, carving what looks like a celestial calendar. Suddenly, he looks up and says “What the hell am I doing? I am already 1000 years into the future.” And so he stopped carving at 2012 AD.

Or maybe this is what happened…

Then, one fine day, the guys at Discovery Channel, during one of their brain-storming sessions…

“It’s always about animals. The people are just bored of all the animal sex and shit that we air.”

“Hmmm.. Let’s invent a new doomsday situation. It worked last time with the Y2K!!”

And thus began the ‘Mayan Calendar Conundrum’….

There have been countless theories about how the world is going to end in 2012. But here are some which I felt were simply ridiculous..

1) The End Of Sanity: A large movement of the poles in a short period of time combined with a predicted record breaking solar storm that is supposedly going to happen in 2012 will cause peoples’ pineal gland in the brain to secrete dimethyltryptamine, which is a hallucinogen secreted only under certain circumstances such as at birth and near death. So if this were to happen on a massive scale people would basically be running around having visions of who the hell knows what. But this means that the world really isn't ending, we are all just going to go crazy!!

2) Tectonic Shift: Somewhere around Dec. 21, 2012, there will be a great shift in the earth's polarity that will cause the earth's inner layers to rotate inside the earth's crust. It means that Alaska will lie at the equator and all those folks who left colder climates for Florida will wake up with penguins in their palm trees. What's worse, the Cowboys could find their new stadium in Pittsburgh. (At great risk of pointing out the obvious, the polarity shift will be caused by the alignment of the earth and sun with a black hole that lies at the center of our Milky Way galaxy). To be sure, this rotation will mark the end of civilization, as we know it. The complete shift of continents, oceans and Starbucks stores will bring an end to food production, medicines and Internet porn!!

3) Failing Transformers: Apparently from time to time, giant plasma fireballs known as coronal mass ejections escape the sun’s surface on a solar wind.  If one of those ejections should hit the Earth’s magnetic shield, it would cause rapid short-lived changes in the configuration of the Earth’s magnetic field which would induce DC currents in the long wires of modern power grids.  This increased DC current in turn would induce strong magnetic fields that would saturate a transformer’s magnetic core, which would result in a runaway current that would cause the transformer’s wiring to heat up and actually melt. The problem is that the transformers could not be repaired, but would actually need to be replaced.  A transformer replacement normally takes a well-trained crew with a spare transformer around a week.  Imagine now that all of the transformers in New England, the Midwest, the Federal Corridor, and the Pacific Northwest failed at once.  It could take years (estimated 10 years) to get the electricity grid up and running if these areas went down.  Since our entire water, sewage, healthcare, and product delivery infrastructure relies on electricity, this would be catastrophic!!

4) Rise Of The Anti-Christ: Now, a clever theory from the followers of Nostradamus. Take the last two letters from "Obama" and the first three of "Bush" and you get "Mabus". "Mabus" is the name of the guy who, according to Nostradamus, would be the third Antichrist (after Pau Nay Oloron who was Napoleon, and Hister who was Hitler). Now, I don't understand why Obama has to be the Antichrist! Why it can't be George Bush? Or, for that matter, Osama bin Laden... You'll get also a "Mabus" if you combine the names "Osama" and "Bush"! Okay, Osama or George Bush are not living in Chicago and Barack Obama is! And what is the zip code of Chicago? 60606! Eliminate the zero's and you get 666, the Number of the Beast! It's that simple, really.

5) Time Wave Zero: Some blokes believe that time can be graphed, and changes in history are based in the increase and decrease of novelty. According to this theory, on 21st December 2012, the graph arrives to zero. We reach what is called the concrescence, a point called the "end of history". In this time humans would evolve into hyperspace, or that there will be a big change. We would be no longer under physical laws. Many of us will be able to step out of time, time travel, teleport, lift objects with our mind, maybe fly, heal instantly, have super health, have expanded knowledge and wisdom, super intelligence, start fires with our own energy, and so many other abilities! Wow, that would make us a planet of supermans!!

6) Cosmic Reconnection: December 21st 2012 will be the day on which this inner cosmos is reconnected to the divine outer cosmos. The Sun will mount its unique position to  form a `gateway' between the Universe and the souls of every living creature on Earth. Our linear conception of time will crumble, and with it, fear and hatred will vanish. It will be purification at it's very best, when everyone is soaked in cosmic understanding and divine love.

So there it is: on December 20th, you'll kick your dog, yell at your spouse and cheat on cards. But a day later, you'll be calmed down into a peaceful dude with nothing but love and understanding to guide you in life. Even though it's mid-winter, it'll be summer of love for all humanity!!

7) Large Hadron Collider: It was switched on. The Earth didn't move, or even twitch. And it certainly didn’t end. But then it did stop working before it could do anything.

Maybe the world will come to an end when it is started the next time. Maybe in 2012.

8) Planet X: According to the Sumerians, when the world is on the brink of a disaster on 21st December 2012, the Planet Nibiru (popularly known as Planet X) will come close to earth and it’s inhabitants called the “Annunaki” will descend on earth and save us just like Superman at the last moment!! Good story for the next Steven Spielberg movie!!

9) Crazy Theory: Maybe zombie Archduke Ferdinand could rise from the grave along with the cast members of the original Poltergeist that died weirdly to build a landing pad for aliens, who will instantly transform all Catholics into glowing cans of Campbell's Cream of Wheat soup with psychic powers and the ability to levitate for up to three minutes at a time, a feat which causes all universal constants to fluctuate and time to reverse, whereupon the re-resurrected Jesus will spontaneously combust causing the Earth's magnetic poles to flip and a Uwe Boll movie to not suck woolly mammoth turds, an event that defies the will of Shiva the Destroyer, who shall respond by dousing the world in lighter fluid and sparking a galactic fireball the likes of which hasn't been witnessed since Mohammed farted and the big bang killed the dinosaurs!!

10) My Theory: Year 2012 A.D. An asteroid hits earth, raising billions of tons of dust into the upper atmosphere blocking out the sun for about 7 years pushing the earth into a long, cold winter. Without the sunlight, all the plants die and the world faces a brutal famine. All the lean and muscular people (Homo Sapiens) die from starvation. Only the humans with large flabs of fat survive. Thus will emerge a totally new species of humans called the “Homo Gluttirini”.

I have just one question for all the doom-mongers…

How could the world end when we have Bruce Willis and Steven Seagal and Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone to save our asses!!

2012 End Of The World And All The Other Crap