Close Encounters Of The ‘Fat’ Kind

I came across so many fat people in the US that I sometimes think that ‘United States of America’ should instead be called the ‘United States of Fatropia’ or the ‘United States of Gigantia’. Maybe America is the only country in the world where people weigh more than the country itself!!

Ok.. Enough jokes for now. There is more to obesity than meets the eye. In reality, obesity is merely a type of lifestyle, like athleticism or being a geologist! In the last twenty years, the US Surgeon-general has succeeded in brainwashing many people into considering obesity as an evil that must destroyed. But, never has anyone, in the entire history of mankind, considered the positive side of being like a hippo.

According to the theory of evolution by Darwin, obesity is an adaptive mechanism to survive food shortages. And as the human population grows and food supplies dwindle, these guys with huge reserves of fat will obviously have the upper hand in the ‘Survival of the Fittest’ game. ‘Homo Sapiens’ will be totally superseded by ‘Homo Gluttirini’.

 

And after the ‘Homo Gluttirini’ take over, the world will look somewhat like this…

And, obesity is good for the economy too.. Companies like McDonalds and Burger King could not function without the gluttonous patronage of the weightily-challenged, and more than 1 million people in the US eke out a living serving fast food to fat fools!! Other organizations that rely on fatties for their existence include fitness centers, weightwatchers groups, diet food companies, liposuction clinics and chip shops, and some analysts believe that, if USA were to abstain from fatty foods, the economy would collapse under the lack of weight!!

Obesity also helps in keeping the unemployment rate low. Confused? Ok.. Let me explain.. Obese people die early or quit their jobs early due to morbid illnesses. This allows other people to get their jobs. If everyone were fit and healthy, everyone would live forever and work forever and fewer people would get new jobs. Some economists believe that if obesity were eradicated, then the world economy would go into permanent recession. Obesity, hence, is imperative to maintain a high GDP growth rate!!

Fat people are also essential for maintaining everlasting peace in the world. Who ever hears of fat men heading a riot, or herding together in turbulent mobs? Nope, it’s always the lean, hungry men who are continually worrying society, and setting the whole community by the ears. Feed those skinny Al Qaeda men and see the effect!!

Do you ever wonder why elevators or escalators or automatic doors or cars or  computers or even mobiles were invented?? They were invented by lazy, fat blokes for fat blokes who didn’t want to do the hard work. If everyone were lean, mean and fit, these inventions would have never seen the light of the day. Obesity, indeed, is the mother of invention!!

These are just a few reasons why the evolutionary trend would prefer ‘Homo Gluttirini’ over ‘Homo Sapiens’.

So, does this mean that skinny people stand absolutely no chance in the scheme of evolution???

No reason to despair guys. Because, the researchers in the ‘Great Obesity Clinic of America’ have developed a new technique called the ‘Lipocramming’ which involves shoving fat into your tummies and asses through an iv needle. Finally, a ray of hope for us!

There are two types of obesities that you can try out…

Lipocram the fat into your ass and get the ‘Ass-Burger’ type…

Lipocram it into your tummy to get the ‘Tomato Tummy’ type…

So, let us all make a new year resolution to stuff our arteries and veins with Mac-Cholesterol, Burger Fat Kings and Kentucky Fried Fat!!

Tonight we dine in hell!!

P.S. Please do not read this if you are suffering from high cholesterol or high blood pressure or diabetes mellitus.