Seems like I am at it again! I just can’t get rid of my annoying fascination with paunchy, obese, rotund, pot-bellied, oversized, elephantine, roly-poly, massive, gigantic, blubbery tubs of lard.
There are a lot of intriguing facts about obesity that we have always failed to appreciate. Below are some of them…
1) Scientists have discovered that human fat is 12.8 times more energy efficient than diesel fuel. The plan would see human fat used to make a super biodiesel. It is estimated that the average obese human could contribute enough energy per annum to power 2 family cars. Future plans include a stent or "tap" system based on techniques used in the rubber tapping industry, to provide a constant drip feed of this new resource. Other beneficiaries are expected to be airlines with the double bonus of less fuel weight with the new super fuel, and smaller airline seats. So, this is a win-win situation for all fatties out there. Atleast, they won’t have to shell out a fortune for gas!!
2) The Obese are more jolly, more kind, more forgiving and just generally nicer. This is not just a hasty remark, but the result of careful clinical observation. Losing weight and keeping it off, is so rare that only obsessive-compulsives are able to do it. This may be admirable, but obsessive-compulsives aren't relaxing people to be with. Really thin and athletic people are that way usually from a driving goal-oriented personality. In short, they are assholes!!
3) Obesity influences the global weather and, in fact, is the reason behind global warming! After years of studies linking increasing carbon dioxide levels to global warming and rising sea levels, scientists have abruptly changed course and now claim "The Greenhouse Effect" does not, in fact, exist. According to the National Academy of Sciences, the Earth's surface temperature rise of about 1 degree Fahrenheit in the past century is actually due to the fact that the Earth's crust is sinking into the earth's core. The compression of the Earth's crust by 59 million morbidly obese humans not only causes the waves to crash ever higher onto U.S. shores, but is also expected to lower Denver's altitude from a mile-high to that of Death Valley by 2022.
So what if they are ‘good for nothing’. Atleast they are ‘bad for everything’…
4) Did you know that the fatties have an exclusive ‘Create a Tsunami’ competition which is held every 10-15 years at an undisclosed location somewhere in the islands of the Indian Ocean…
Did you really believe that an earthquake in the Indian Ocean caused the devastating 2004 Tsunami!!
5) Who needs a Large Hadron Collider when they can create tears in space-time in their vicinity all by themselves. This is caused by their extreme weight which distorts matter around them and causes food to fall in upon itself, creating minute black holes as explained in Stephen Hawking's “A Brief History of Fatties”!!
6) Contrary to the popular belief, the obese do exercise a lot. Surely carrying around 20 or 30 pounds of fat all day is really good exercise!!
7) They can hide up to four cans of beer under their belly and still walk without any hint of what they are concealing. They could also be the perfect person to smuggle drugs into concerts, because no one would ever dare lift up their roll to frisk them there!!
8) Obese people make better lovers. This is a fact known to romantics the world over. Bony lovers can never compete with what G.K. Chesterston referred to as the "promise of pneumatic bliss."
9) Obese people don’t suffer from the terrible, rare disease called ‘Anorexia’. Those who consider the highly trained lean, fit athlete to be the ideal human might want to consider the greatest duration runner of the animal kingdom, the pronghorn antelope of Wyoming. It can run 95km/hr for an hour. It has tremendous lungs, an amazing cardiac output and a maximum oxygen uptake that might deplete the Earth's resources. So why didn't this marvel of nature become a widespread species? Something to think about!! This is probably nature’s way to prove that lean, mean and fit are not the king of the ‘Survival Of The Fittest Game’.
10) Finally when they die, they will have 35-40 men carrying their coffin...LIKE A KING!!
Maybe, we could have a ‘Girth Day’ in their honor too!!
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