“The seven deadly sins of the modern world – greed, wrath, gluttony, pornography, envy, indifference and spam.” – Me.
Sin or no sin. I just love spam emails!!
Yes that's right, I love getting emails telling me that there is a Nigerian man ditched on the international space station with no way back and his family is trying to raise funds to send a space-ship to fetch him.
I love the emails that tell me I have won a million dollars in a lottery. I used to keep count of the total amount of money I had won. But soon I lost count and I think by now I should have won a gazillion bazillion dollars. Wow! I might just be the richest guy on the earth!!
My morning coffee tastes bland without seeing a letter from someone I've never heard of proclaiming my dead relative in Saudi Arabia has died and left me his fortune which he got from being a pacifier tycoon.
Some of my favorite spam are….
(1) "Add extra inches to your war cannon."
"Rock her world with your elongated bayonet."
"Shoot further with your flamethrower of love."
"Make her pull the pin on your new sex grenade."
"You'll feel like the king of the old west when you're packing a bigger pistol."
"Mob bosses will have nothing on your huge machine gun."
"Ram your massive submarine into her battleship."
"She'll get more than bubblegum from your huge bazooka."
– These are the popular one-liners from those p*nis enlargement guys. How the hell did they know my size?
(2) E-Bay tips for Dummies – Mind your tongue. Who are you calling dummies?
(3) Viagra for peanuts – Why the hell do I need Viagra?
(4) Get Your Free I-Pod – Why didn’t you tell me that you were giving away I-Pods for free? I wouldn’t have thrown away a 100 dollars on buying one.
(5) Get Paid While You Sleep - Who said if you snooze, you lose.
(6) Refinance Before it’s Too Late - Too late for what? I haven’t even taken a loan yet!!
(7) Hot Chicks in Your Area - Does that mean the KFC around the corner?
(8) We have Found Your Missing Money – Have you been looking under my sofa cushions again ?
(9) Drug Rehab Center – How did these guys know that I was taking too many Tylenols?
(10) Stop Paying Taxes! - And start going to prison, right?
(11) Great Careers Opportunity - Did I mention I’m still studying?
(12) Acai Berry to loose inches from your waistline - Sorry guys. I have to put on a lot of weight before I can think of loosing some!!
(13) Get Your Degree Online - Wow! I can be a doctor online? Why the hell did I spend 6 years in Med school?
(14) A Woman Wants You - This must be from my fiancé needing money again!!
(15) Puerto Rico Land is Yours - Funny, I don’t remember ordering any.
(16) Microsoft Lottery Winner - The first thing I will do with this money is to dump my vista laptop and buy a Macbook.
(17) Black Singles Network - Um, again, I am neither black nor single.
(18) For Christian Singles! - Um, I am neither.
(19) Some guy wanting me put 100000000000 dollars in my account – Man! I can’t even put a name to that figure even though I was good at math!!
(20) Some other woman telling me that I could help her by pretty much laundering money.. No Thanks!
(21) Get Hoodia Gordonii and loose weight overnight – Sounds more like an African monster!
(21) Something in Chinese...
(22)Forward this email to atleast 12 guys - The integrity of the systems that forward email around the world depend upon everyone diligently forwarding every interesting email to at least their twelve closest friends. Note failure to send such mails can also result in bad luck, deteriorating health and the deaths of small children. Like this one guy, he didn't forward one, and he woke up at the bottom of a well where he was killed. True story!!
(23) I have a business proposal – These business proposals are like a Back-to-the-Future meets Matrix meets Star Trek type of thing. Totally weird!!
And once again, this is what the omniscient Uncyclopedia has to say about spam emails…
“The term SPAM took new life with the invention of the WWW (West Wisconsin Waste) in 1873. An acronym for Solicited Piece'o Actual Mail, SPAM allowed millions to realize the full value of the Internets. Millions of penii were lengthened. Nigeria became the richest country on Earth, as even low-level government functionaries became able to access forbidden bank accounts. Every single person in South Carolina obtained a Master of Mental Health Counseling degree from the University of Mississippi. And hot, hot bestiality replaced croquet as America's National Pastime. SPAMmers became the heroes of the 1940's Gilded Age, and their exploits were sung about by bards and lumberjacks. Notable SPAMmers and SPAMrunners (spam couriers) include Beowulf and Roland. Much has been written about Beowulf's exploits on the Internet, such as the time when he fought his way through a horde of Francium bubbles in order to deliver a package of Grade-A SPAM to a poverty-stricken Nigerian colony. Beowulf later met the noble Interknight Roland and together they braved an AOLian citadel, where they slew the Vorpal beast and freed captured SPAM POWs from reprogramming. Leading historians note that Beowulf was in fact German and therefore may not even exist. What about grendel ? He is the Siberian Perrogative Astrodynamic Monstrosity.”
Sometimes, it’s fun to just send a stupid reply to these spammers. Snapsam, over at the Stuft blog, has composed her own please help email which could be sent in retaliation to those fake missing children emails and similar spam which often litter our inboxes.
“I really need your help….
I lost the keys to my house. They've been missing now for two weeks. Maybe if we pass this email on to everyone we can work together to find them. Even if it goes overseas, who knows they may have been "keynapped" and taken as far away as Canada, India or Mesotaplioma.
With God on our side, they will be found. I'm begging you please forward this to everyone in your address book if you do, your good deed will be payed back to you ten fold.
I don't know how it works it just does. Trust me. Forward this email to all your friends and family and I guarantee they will return the favor by forwarding you all their crap email for the rest of your natural life.
If you forward to >5 people, you will feel like you have lots of friends as they start forwarding you all their spam emails.
Forward to >10 people and your love life will be enhanced by offers of p*nis enlargement therapy.
Forward to >20 people and I will personally come over to your house drink all your liquor and tear your computer out of the wall so you can never forward this crap to anyone ever again.”
I just don’t understand how some people are still falling for the scams that these spam mails entail; come on people if someone is called Roger Digeridoo from flippin Nigeria and his Grandad made millions and it’s locked in a bank in the Ivory Coast do you think it’s true!!! But then.. How would I get to enjoy such morning masala if not for these stupid guys!! Keep it coming spammers!!
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